Here Comes A Regular -thank God!-

(This entry is the result of an extremely good mood)

I have always been one of those people who loathes the regular, whose life motto was 'Change is the only aspect of our lives that doesn't change!' or 'Let's use daddy's money to take a trip to Cape Town, take a year off and experience as much as we can!' Don't you also love that word 'experience'? Great excuse to get away from  the word 'responsibility'. Lately, I believe I had a change of heart though, change of mentality more like it...

I am sitting here right now at 3 am, exhausted from laughing too hard with two empty bottles of wine, two empty  boxes of Swedish chocolate and my best friend of twenty years; my sister. Let's not get ahead of ourselves, though.

Loathing 'the regular' is a full time job. If you want to pull off this life style, you have to be against most of the traditions, such as the religious views, marriage, settling down, relationships, nationalism, academic success-because you are already very well rounded and your intellectual heritage simply finds school work useless.-

Looking at all of those definitions, I have to admit; I am a straight up regular loather, in other words; I was leading an alternative lifestyle. 

People like me has very characteristic qualities. Here's a list I think we can all agree on;

1. We all love to travel; not only to see the city landmarks but also to have a better cultural understanding. (I love that idiom!)

2. We are all very into arts. Any kind is more than okay. Andy Warhol's artwork, Mariama Ba's novels, Christopher Durang's plays... -this can go on forever.-

3. Alcohol. We all think it helps us to broaden our views, free our minds and imagination. We even came up with a name for this phenomenon; surrealism. 

4. We love Woody Allen!

5. We hate discrimination. We all find it very offensive. Don't get me wrong! We strongly discriminate against the people who love the regular of course. Those simple minded infants! What do they know?!

6. Relationships. Yes, we hate them. Why limit ourselves when we can just live the way we want! Social concepts are for insecure people. Marriage is absolutely a topic than cannot even be discussed! Commitment? No way! We want to travel and try different cuisines.

7. Family. Although it is sad, we are pretty much done with them the moment we turn 18. Not financially, of course. We don't visit them, talk to them or get together on special occasions. Why should we go to our cousin's wedding ceremony? We do not believe in marriage, therefore us being there is just going to make it worse.

8. We study abroad. All of us! We are the citizens of the world. (I love that one, too!) 

9.  We do not belong, and we like it!

10. Despite all of these, our anthem is Imagine by John Lennon. If someone doesn't know this song or adore it, we do not even care to have a word with them. 

Does any of these sound familiar? If so, you are also one of us. You think that we should not stick up for family members just because they are family, or tolerate anyone who does not admire jazz.

Lately I have been acting a bit strange. I was singing patriotic songs while doing the dishes, letting my guard down, having daily conversations with my parents and limiting physical desires just because it was the right thing to do. I wondered what was going on with me. I have figured it out today when my sister flew in from Stockholm. 

Have you ever had one person in your life that you would sacrifice anything for? I have. A red headed twenty three year old masters student whom I haven't seen in a long time is the one. My sister, whom I had not had the chance to be with since both of us were too busy being independent. She took a little break from school to visit and remind me that how some things are too important to  let go. 

Her flight was delayed due to the harsh weather conditions. I was supposed to pick her up and bring her back to my apartment. I waited alone for three hours, I was not able to call her since she had lost her phone. No news, no nothing... I should have been furious with her. She was an adult. She should have found a way to contact me at least. 

But I wasn't...

I felt sick and nervous. I called friends to check with the airline company even though I knew that her flight had safely  landed. Plus, I knew that flying was completely safe, I had practically spent my life at the airport duty free shops. There was something wrong with me, or the opposite; something very right.

These symptoms were heading to a certain point in my life. What was going on? Let me explain.

I did not want to go out every weekend with random people anymore. The tiresome relationships and pointless social interactions have started to get on my nerves. I have even started to reevaluate the old friendships. 

I did not want to be in contrived conversations anymore, talking to the people who do not understand me creates 'sentence pollution.' I have been saving all my energy to the people who deserve to be treated that way. I now, have the age and experience factors that give one the right to criticize.

I have started to question the friendships with narcissists who still have the 'I told you so' syndrome. I have learned how precious time was, and the fact that we could reach whatever we were aiming either by taking long straight highways or taking the bumpy tough shortcuts. I have learned where the shortcuts were and how to take them by time. Every second counts now. There is so much to do, but still- I have no intention of beating myself up over anything.

I have learned how to say 'no' when necessary. Even though it may upset people at first, it is usually a lifesaver    for you.  And the significance of 'valuing love'. I now know that at the end of the day, love is really all we have left with. I have started to build a loving, caring and an understanding character towards a certain amount of friends and family members. It is new, believe me. 

People have started ask me for advice based on my experiences. Although my response sometimes sounds ridiculous, they still keep on listening. I, on the other hand know that nothing is learned without actually going through a situation, getting yourself out of trouble. So, I just give them a humble smile. I put the concepts of 'shame', 'sin' and 'what people would think' behind.

I have decided to learn how to cook. I love cooking for friends now. Kitchen has been one of the places I like lately, not a place of torture like it was used to be. Trying different cuisines is fun. I am on my way to create my own food culture.

The cruelest. I have started to think about my parents more often, started to relate to what they were talking about all these years... 

There it was... The situation and the mindset I was describing that you start to like and get used to as the days go by is called maturity.

It comes as a natural result of travelling to the foreign lands, the life experiences both good bad, and the birthday candles you have blown. It takes you by surprise at a turning point of your life. When does it happen? Depends on the life you have led. All the break downs and coping with the tough cases speeds it up. Realizing how small your own world is but comprehending how important we are despite this, works well. 

And to get there, you do not have to stop being fun, doing crazy things or start acting serious at all like it was said to you by many many people. On the contrary, you are now allowed to take off, go wherever you want and pull yourself into all kinds of madness. What is different? Now you are mature enough to take responsibility for your actions. Yes, that's the key. Nothing interferes with your sleep anymore.

After a delightful dinner and catching up with friends and my sister, I have noticed that nothing, absolutely nothing in the world would or could be this important.

I wish that all of us can reach this peaceful and fun state of mind one day...

YORGUN EDEBİYAT

Beşiktaş'ta denize karşı oturuyorum. Evet, aklınıza gelebilecek her türlü klişe gözlerimin önünde. Vapurlar kıyıya yanaşıyor, güneş ışınları denizin üzerinde beyaz beyaz parlıyor; dalgalar, köpükler, martılar vesaire bu tablomsu görüntüde yerlerini okuduğunuz pek çok Necip Fazıl şiirinde olduğu gibi almış bulunmaktalar. Akşam üstü; Ahmet Haşim gibi çirkin bir adamı bile güzel olduğuna inandıracak, sevilmeyen bir kadını tatmin edercesine gülümsetecek, son sigarayı söndürmekten bile kaçınmayacak gibi güzel yine bugün.

Sonbahar son oyunlarını oynuyor; parlak bir güneşle çıkıyor karşımıza. Son kahkahayı atmak üzere bekleyen hınzır bir çocuk gibi pusuda. Yahya Kemal'in taptığı, Halit Ziya'nın durmak bilmeden anlattığı, Sait Faik'in dinlediği günahlar şehri; kaosun başdöndürücülüğü, masumiyetin öldürücülüğü, kozmopolitliğin bölücülüğü ve vaziyetin üzücülüğüyle kapatmak üzere bir sahneyi daha. Yine alkışlanmadan, selam vermeden, sessizce, tatminsiz...

Nereden çıktı bu melankoli? Sonbaharın gelişiyle ilişkilendirilebilir belki de bu durum. Yaz aşklarının sona erişi, güneşli gün sayısının eksilişi ve insanların işlerinin başlarına geçişiyle coşku durulur, melankoli bulur bu defa da bizleri. 'İstanbul Kanatlarımın Altında' dan 'İstanbul'u Dinliyorum, Gözlerim Kapalı' ya geçişler başlar. Ucuz Roman, Ağır Roman'a, Woody Allen Bertolucci'ye bırakır tahtını.

Aşık olmalar başlar. Alışma süreci hızlanır, sonbahar sizi can damarınızdan koparır. Kokteyller şaraplara, deniz kenarları yaprakları dökülen ağaçlıklı parklara devreder sultanlığı. Bir döngüdür başlar yine.

Tüm bu duygusal değişimler bizleri ya fotoğraflar çekmeye, ya resimler, besteler yapmaya, ya da bana olduğu gibi edebiyata sürükler. Sanatsal yanımız, coşku mevsimi yazın ardından hafif bir sarsıntıyla dirilmiştir sanki. Elbet dikkatinizi çekmiştir. Çoğu edebiyat sanatçısı sonbaharın hüzünlü tonunu yansıtmışlardır eserlerinde hep. Ahmet Hamdi'nin yazdığı bir şiirin küçük bir kısmı geliyor aklıma mor günbatımı karşısında.

 Yan yana sessizce mevsimle keder

 Hicrana aldanmış kalbimde gezin

 Esen rüzgarlara sen kendini ver. 

Benim de şiir kitaplarını raflardan kurtarmam ve anlatmaya çalıştığım ruh haline geçtiğimi anlamam ipodumda en çok dinlenen şarkıların The Eagles'ın Desperado'su ve The Beatles'ın Blackbird'ü olduğunu görmemle gerçekleşti. Nerede kalmıştı Take It Easy ya da Twist and Shout? Ah, evet. Yazın uzun gündüzleri, sıcak kumları, yıldızlı geceleri ve gelip geçici aşklarında tabi. Şimdi bitmek bilmez yağmurun, şiir kitaplarının, bıraktığımız yere geri dönmenin ya da yeni başlangıçların mevsimi. Take It Easy (Rahatla! Aldırma!) tabiri masadan kalkmış, önümüze yeni bir sezon açılmış anlayacağınız.

Beşiktaş'ta denize karşı oturuyorum, evet. Martılar yerine insanları, deniz yerine kalabalığı izliyorum. İnsan manzaralarına diktim gözlerimi Nazım gibi, kelimeleri toparlamaya gayret ediyorum. İnsanların çoğu, yere dikmiş bakışlarını düşünüyorlar. İşlerini, sevgililerini, paketlerinde kalan sigaraların sayısını... Ben de düşünüyorum. Okuduğum şiirleri düşünüyorum. Aziz Nesin demişti ya 'Kurtarırsa kurtarır ancak, yine şiire tutunmak.' Ben de öyle yapıyorum belki de. 

Yılın bu yaprak döken, kalp kıran zamanı nasıl da dokunuyor hepimize. Yorgun bir durgunluk nasıl da pençesine alıyor bizleri. Erkenden uykuya yenik düşüp, yine de çalar saatlerimizle savaşıyoruz sabahları. Çok düşünüyoruz, çok ölçüp biçiyor, yeniden yapılandırıyor, durum değerlendirmesi yapıyoruz belki de bundan. Kimimiz 'Nerede kalmıştık?' sorusuna takılmışken, bazılarımız 'Nereden başlayacağız?' ın esiri olmuş. Sizler de bu gruplardan birine dahilseniz eğer; okuyun! İnsanda bulun gücünüzü. Martılar ya da düşen yapraklarda aramayın çarenizi. 

İnsanlar ilginç varlıklar, evet. Haklarında ne kadar yazılıp çizilse de, adlarına anıtlar, filmler yapılsa da, biyografileri yazılsa da birini bile çözebilmek imkansız. Çözdüğünü sanmak ise şüphesiz bir ilüzyon. Ataol Behramoğlu'nun dediği gibi yaşadıklarımdan öğrendiğim bir şey varsa eğer; o da insanların karmaşık dünyası olmalı. Okumak yardımcı oluyor yine de çoğu zaman. Az düşünüp az okuyanlardan şiyayetçiyim bugün de, bu güzel havada, bu güzel manzarada, bu insanlar arasında edebiyat yoksunlarından şikayetçiyim. Tüm sorularının cevapları sayfalarda gizliyken, çözümleri merak etmeyenlerden.

Yağmurdan, çamurdan, soğuktan, işten güçten yıprandıklarını söyleyenler okusalar bilecekler ne kadar yanıldıklarını. Asıl sorunumuz bu yağmurlu günler değil; güneşli, berrak gibi gözüküp, içinize işleyen o soğuklardır. Sahte güneşlerdir bizleri ters köşeye yatıran. Kötü havalar değildir sorunumuz hiçbir zaman. Orhan Veli çözmüştü bunu uzun zaman önce. Bizi hep bu güzel havalar mahvetmiştir, aslında...